I just got Nine Inch Nails' first studio album tonight, and holy crap, it's amazing. For some reason, I had gotten the other four studio albums first... I guess I thought the earliest one would be the worst, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. The first track, "Head Like a Hole" is probably one of the best NIN songs ever.

'80s industrial rock = epic win.

It has come to my attention that the TV show House, also known as House M.D., is fucking amazing. It might just be the greatest television series in the history of television. Well, maybe not the greatest, because Cowboy Bebop was tits, and everyone loves The Office. But I'll be damned -- damned, I tell you -- if it isn't the best doctor-related series in the universe. It dominates the whole "doctor" genre in the same way that Law and Order dominates crime drama.

What's that you say? ER? Fuck that show. It was cool in the '90s, but so were the Spice Girls, so blow me. The day that House premiered in 2004, all of the actors from ER promptly went bankrupt and probably killed themselves. It's a fact. Hell, you know what? The extent to which House completely owns television shouldn't be limited to doctor drama. It's the best drama on television, period. Executives at TNT would be cutting themselves over this, but apparently, they don't know jack shit, despite what their commercials say. (House is also in the runnings for best comedy, best mystery, best show involving cripples and drug abuse, and best everything.)

Now, I know that the show won a few Emmys, and that's cool... but I don't understand why it didn't win all of them. Seriously, what's not to love about the show? The main character acts like a son of a bitch and gets away with it, the writers have as little regard for political correctness as Dr. House does for other humans, there's enough suspense to give a twelve year old a massive heart attack, and Dr. Cameron is hot. Although I'd like it if the show were a bit more violent, there are plenty of gory scenes here and there, and I might as well be asking for nudity because censorship in America is absurd. Oh well.

Anyone who regularly watches House probably knows that coughing up blood is a common occurrence at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. And we all know how awesome blood is. In fact, any TV show or movie without any blood is automatically boring. (Don't deny it; you know I'm right.) Blood is what makes the world go round. I think its secondary function is carrying oxygen to the brain, or something... but fuck that. Blood is meant to be shed. That's why it looks so cool when it splatters.

The point is, every decent movie or TV show must reach a certain quota of blood-on-screen in order to not suck total ass. But the ingenious thing about House is that they don't reach the blood quota by having people shot or beaten to death. When they're running short on awesomeness, they just pull out their wild card and have one of the patients start coughing up blood randomly -- honestly, it happens at least once every three episodes. And it doesn't even matter why. They'll always just pull some medical explanation out of nowhere, the validity of which is irrelevant since the words they use are so big that only a real doctor can tell the difference.

That's the other reason that the show is so brilliant. It's all about surprises and confusion. The show is never predictable, not even in the slightest. You will never, ever guess what the fuck is wrong with the patient, for two reasons. First, you're not a doctor, and if you are, screw off. Secondly, the show purposely misleads you until the last ten minutes. They go through at least two false diagnoses before they get to the real one. If it looks like a patient on House has lung cancer, and you think he has lung cancer, HAHA YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG. He actually has some ridiculous combination of other disorders that cause all the right tests to come up negative. Or maybe it's just Lupis.

But how realistic is the show? Is any of this medically possible? Probably not, but like I said, you're not a doctor, so you can't tell the difference, and incidentally, you don't have to care. Hell, the patient could have a cold, and the episode would still be awesome, because all of them are, because it's Hugh Laurie for fuck's sake. Hugh Laurie is a beast. Who else can put other actors to shame while flawlessly speaking in an accent that isn't even his own? The guy is British, by the way. You probably didn't know that, because he makes a better American than most Americans do.

So whatever the hell is threatening the patient's life, be it cancer or demonic possession, they'll take an hour to figure it out, which really just means an hour of Dr. House making everyone else angry. Which brings me to my next, and most important point: Dr. House is an asshole. No, wait... sorry, I don't think you understand. Dr. House is an asshole, all the time, to everyone, under any and all circumstances, because if you breathe, House hates you. Dr. House is to "asshole" as Chuck Norris is to "badass." In fact, House is more badass than Chuck Norris, so fuck it.

Furthermore, Dr. House is invincible, and he probably banged your mom. He verbally destroys anyone who crosses his path. It doesn't even matter if you're the Pope. House is still going to make fun of you, call you an idiot, and take hold of every opportunity to make your life miserable, because he can. Strangely, this all makes Dr. House a lovable character! Paradox, you say? Nonsense! The reason that House is so lovable is that he acts the way we all wish we could act, to a certain extent. It's just hilarious to watch someone else act like a total dick for no reason other than self-satisfaction. He says the things that everyone else is too politically correct to say, and there are no consequences, because NOBODY FUCKS WITH DOCTOR GREGORY HOUSE.

I guess the coolest aspect of the show, aside from the fact that it takes place in New Jersey, is the totally irresponsible drug use. Not that I do drugs, encourage drug use, or think that drugs are inherently cool, even if they are. I'm just saying that a guy like Gregory House being high on pain killers twenty-five hours a day is flippin' fantastic. How many Vicodin pills has Dr. House taken since the very first episode? Doesn't matter, because he's going to take more, even when he doesn't need them. It doesn't even matter if he needs them, because he wants them, and Dr. Gregory House gets what he wants, or else. I hope you're listening, because this might save your life someday. If you're ever caught between a Dr. Gregory House and his Vicodin, prepare to die, because you can't run faster than a... oh wait, yeah you can.

Unfortunately, Dr. House has a nasty limp, which means that he can't run -- well, actually, he could run in that one episode, because they fixed his leg through some bullshit miracle medical procedure, but that was only temporary, because House's limp is what makes him House. As soon as fans of the show saw House jogging in the beginning of Season 3, half of them killed themselves immediately, because House without a limp is like pudding without meat. How can you have your pudding if you don't eat your meat? That's right, you can't. You know why? Because fuck you. Anyway, damn it, House's limp is part of what makes him cool. You're probably wondering how a limp could possibly make someone cool. Well, there are four reasons.

First, it's cool because it's Dr. House who has the limp, you idiot. He's cool because he's House, and anything he does automatically becomes cool, and thus he becomes cooler by doing it. Begging the question? Circular logic? Perhaps. But I don't care. The second reason is that, when a guy is in constant pain from an infarction in his leg and still manages to save lives while making fun of people and cursing, he's awesome. The third reason is that his disability allows the audience to feel sorry for him, even when he treats everyone else like shit. How cool is that? The fourth reason is a bit more complicated, but in a nutshell, it's because the limp is cliché to the point where one might think that House invented the damn cliché.

Allow me to explain. Every good hero always has a flaw — Superman is weakened by Kryptonite, Spiderman is a crybaby, Jerry Seinfeld isn't funny, and Elliot Stabler has anger management problems and a freakishly gigantic forehead — but House just has a limp. You might be thinking that this is a symbolic limp, like the main character in Of Human Bondage having a clubfoot that happens to be the physical representation of all his inner flaws and/or the author's own weaknesses. But again, you're fucking wrong. House's limp is just a limp, and I know why.

One day, the writers of the show decided that Dr. House was simply too perfect, and that he needed to be toned down, lest the universe be destroyed. In fact, I think God himself came down and said, "House is far too powerful... he needs a tragic flaw, like ... like a limp, or something." So they LITERALLY gave him a limp, as an intentional slap in the face to the unwritten rule that every character "must" have a flaw. Fortunately for House, his limp doesn't stop him from being a bad-ass. He might not be able to catch you, but I'm sure he can throw his cane at you and
break your skull open, and then make fun of you when you come crawling back for medical attention.

Also, House rides a motorcycle... an orange motorcycle... over the speed limit... while high on Vicodin... without a helmet. And when he gets pulled over, he yells at the cop.

If House is ever cancelled, I'll cry.

I'm in college now.

Balls.

I also got glasses, which automatically makes me smarter than you. (Unfortunately, I can't decide if they make me look nerdy, or damn sexy, or both.) Since I don't really have anything else to say, I guess I'll just end this post with a ridiculously low-quality webcam snapshot of my narcissistic self. (Totally not gay.)

Hey fags. I'm advertising TheShadowSun.net in my signature pic again, because there's a shortage of comedy on the site lately, and I'm sure you clowns can fix that. Just don't spam the site with some 4chan bullshit, or I'll delete it myself, because I'm a moderator and you're not.

No one replied to my request for web hosting advice after I decided to ditch my previous web host, but I found a new host on my own: FreeHostingNow.com. It's probably one of the best free web hosts I've ever seen, and although it will probably decrease in quality over time (because they often do), it's more than enough for now. There are also complaints of server and database errors in the forum, but I haven't seen any, so I have no reason to stop using this host yet.

The point is, DarkForce has moved to darkforce.freehostingnow.com.
Shortcut #1: www.darkforce.tk
Shortcut #2: darkforce.antiblog.com

Note: My website is epic win. Therefore, if you do not visit, you're a loser.

k thx bai.

Despite the fact that there's no chance that anyone will ever read this damned news thing, or even look at my profile at all, I'm going to post stuff.

So, as promised, this post is about Command & Conquer. Don't like it? Kill yourself. The story begins on Sunday, when I went to Best Buy to waste some of my hard-earned money. I figured I could find a CD to buy, or maybe even a computer game. Even though I haven't really been keeping up with all the new game releases, there are always plenty of classics on the shelf to keep people like me satisfied.

For example, several months ago, I went to the store just to look around and ended up buying "Ultimate Quake" (which consists of the first three Quake games, in one box, for $20). How awesome is that? So now I have Quake I, II, and III on my laptop.

Coincidentally, a similar thing happened on Sunday. I was looking at the games shelf, trying not to give anyone the impression that I was even thinking of buying World of Warcraft, and I saw a box labeled "Command & Conquer: The First Decade." It has six games on one DVD -- twelve games, if you include expansion packs -- and, holy crap, it's only $30. I had to buy it.

So for thirty bucks, I got:
--- Command & Conquer
--- Command & Conquer: The Covert Operations
--- Command & Conquer: Red Alert
--- Command & Conquer: Red Alert: The Aftermath
--- Command & Conquer: Red Alert: Counterstrike
--- Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun
--- Command & Conquer: Firestorm
--- Command & Conquer: Renegade
--- Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2
--- Command & Conquer: Red Alert: Yuri's Revenge
--- Command & Conquer: Generals
--- Command & Conquer: Generals: Zero Hour

For obvious reasons, I highly recommend buying this "First Decade" set, to anyone who happens to find it in the store. Maybe you can even order it online. The point is... wow, fucking sweet.

Unfortunately, I am still on the first game, and like many old games, it's annoying as all hell. My soldiers don't respond to my commands fast enough, they don't attack quick enough... quite frankly, they don't do a damn thing right. These real-time strategy games are hard enough when your units aren't fucking idiots.

Take the grenade guys, for example. At first glance, they kick ass. They kick so much ass, it makes me want to scream like a bitch. If you have five or ten grenadiers, and you use them right, you can take out a whole army. Unfortunately, even though the grenadiers have a decent attack range, they're too fucking stupid to attack from far away, and have a nasty habit of walking right up to the enemy. It's even worse when the enemy approaches the grenadier. The grenadier doesn't know how to back up, and ends up blowing himself to smithereens with his own grenade. Either that, or the grenadiers behind him just let him have it. The grenadiers are quite possibly the most suicidal strategy game units ever, with any form of suicide bombers excluded.

And the NOD forces have flamethrowers. Yeah, that's really funny. Cheap motherfuckers. Of course, the range of the flamethrower is kind of short -- they have to get right up close to you. But like I said, my units (even the gunners) get way to close to the enemy before they even open fire. By the time they respond to my command to back the fuck up and get away from the flamethrowers, they're already on fire. In one mission, the game gave me ten grenadiers to start with, and they all died at once because of a couple of flamethrower soldiers. Fuck.

Hopefully, the sequels won't be this annoying.

___________________________________

Update: Jul. 21, 2007

I've actually been getting somewhere in the first game, recently... but some of the missions take a long time to beat, so I doubt I'll ever have time to play every mission in every game. (Is that a good thing or a bad thing?)

Also, I tried installing The First Decade on my Vista-eqipped laptop, and some of the games do not work, because despite what Microsoft said, Vista is not backwards-compatible with XP software. Bastards. So don't buy this C&C collection if your only computer runs on Windows Vista. There's always a chance that Microsoft will release patches to fix the compatibility issues with XP programs, but I seriously doubt that they'll ever get their act together. I'm sure they'd much rather leave things the way they are so that everyone needs to buy new programs.

Okay bitches. Get ready for some TLDR.

I stopped coming to Newgrounds for a couple of days, mostly because I've become so busy with working in an office eight hours a day (as well as playing Command & Conquer which I'll post about later). And when I finally come back, I find that my familiar Newgrounds is no more. The admins have launched the Godforsaken redesign, and haven't even included the black buttons that we saw on April Fool's Day.

Even with black buttons aside, there are a few issues that I'd like to address. First of all, the new Level 5 avatar is awful. I can't even recognize my own posts anymore. When I see my own posts, I think, "who the fuck is that newbie idiot? Oh, it's me." Now that my avatar is no longer the one I know and love, I can no longer ignore the fact that it's nothing more than a newbie avatar that makes me look like I just signed up, even though I have 12000+ posts. Most people with as many posts as I have are already among the higher-ranking members. However, I've said it before and I'll say it again: Fuck leveling up. And I think the new auras are lame, too. I'm sticking with the blue one that I've always had.

Also, it seems that all of the signatures (and sig pics) have been demolished, including mine. The epic first line of my signature (which said "I am not responsible for the content of the post above" or something like that) has disappeared from my posts for the first time since 2004. Seriously, what the hell, dude. The worst part is that I can't even remember if I have the exact wording right, because I never had to retype it before.

And it's not so easy to replace my signature picture, either. You know, the one with the wingding scissors. I admit, I haven't used it in a while, since I've been periodically replacing it with advertisements for my website and other bullshit. But since the required size for signature pics has changed, I'll have to resize the old picture if I ever want to use it again. I made that damn thing in MS Paint back in 2004. I don't want to change it now.

And even if I do find the time to remake my classic sig pic, the bottom line is this -- thanks to these unfamiliar avatars and the deletion of every signature on the site, everyone basically looks the same now. I actually have to read usernames to recognize people. Fuck.

Also, the smiley faces changed. And a whole bunch of new ones are fagging up the forum, too. We don't need sad faces, damn it. You all know it'll just be fodder for emo jokes, or perhaps even the punchline of a few, and we all know that everyone hates emo jokes.

Once again, I think it's time to call for the return of the old angry face. Of course, I can't even remember what the ORIGINAL angry face looked like -- it's gone through at least two or three changes since I got here. But damn it, this new one is definitely not angry enough.

ON THE OTHER HAND,

The redesign does look very very cool, even without black buttons. Seriously, it looks great. The classic Newgrounds layout is probably gone forever, but I'll forget what it looked like by the end of the year. Also, the new profile page is kind of fucking awesome. And this blog thingy? Totally sweet. It'll take me a while to figure it all out, but whatever

So anyway, here's my first news post thing. Enjoy! Oh wait, it's over.

--------------------------------------------------

EDIT:

Although I have yet to create a new scissor sig-pic in the new size, I have put the scissors in my profile header and icon to make up for it. Some people probably thought I stopped using the scissors because I kept changing my signature over the past few months... other people probably never noticed at all. But they're back. If you're clueless and you really don't know what's up with the scissors, go here and here.

EDIT:

The classic subpar sig has been recreated in the new size. Unfortunately, it looks crappier than ever -- crappy even beyond the intentional crappyness that made it great -- but it's better than nothing, right? RIGHT?! Fuck it.